Monday, February 14, 2011
I thought I had lost you forever. Figured you were done with me; had enough of my irresponsibility and immaturity. If I were you, I’d be sick and tired of the neglect and mistreatment. The many times I just simply ignored you because I felt I had so many other important tasks to take care of. I was so busy. Hey, I’m an important person – or so I thought. Until the moment I didn’t feel you by my side. All I had time to do was think; think about how badly I had treated you. I felt so lost. Who would I turn to now? Who was going to be there for me? You were my strength (at least up until I thought I was strong enough to handle this life on my own). The truth is I can’t live without you. I keep calling your name, “Love”. I whisper it to myself every time I remember how you were always there for me. I scream it aloud at every thought of you no longer being here.
I cry sometimes.
At first I’d pretend that your absence didn’t faze me but that charade was very short-lived. Until the night I cried myself to sleep simply because I no longer felt our connection. I poured my heart out on that pillow case sheet. The loneliness was too much of a burden to bear; I had no choice but to release it through my tears. I realized that this was exactly how I made you feel; as a result I cried harder. I missed you. How could I let you get away?
When I awoke the next day, it was as clear to me as the spelling of my name. By neglecting you I was only neglecting myself. Every time I shut you out, I wounded myself as well. This moment of clarity ushered in feelings of remorse, guilt & shame. Then suddenly I couldn’t even remember my name.
Until I heard you whisper it.
“Yes?” I respond (heart racing, tear ducts swelling), is it You? Are you really here? YOU ARE! You hadn’t left me! You just needed me to understand the consequences of my behavior. You made me in your image, out of love and every moment that I ventured away from who I was (away from you) I was only hurting myself. Dear God! You do love me! I proclaim your name with such reverence and joy – “LOVE”. A lesson learned. I am a reflection of you. You are the most important aspect of my life and to live without you is to live a life without love.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dear Baby Girl,
Hmmmm, where do I begin? Of course I have to be completely honest and let you know that the road ahead will be a whole lot tougher than the first 10 years you’ve experienced, or should I say survived? Yes, you are a survivor. You will be victorious over many things but most of all you will learn to love. It seems so easy to do but the truth is as you get older life and people will break you down. Little by little you’ll begin to lose faith and trust in the two. You were born with the ability to express love and to receive it. Unfortunately, circumstances will occur and you will both reject love and hesitate in offering it to anyone. This may seem farfetched because right now, at 10 years old and despite the hurt you’ve already endured, you courageously still choose to love. As I said, people will hurt you, life will confuse you and at one point you will question God. This is a defense mechanism you have built internally to help you cope with the pain. It is because you don’t yet understand that pain/hurt is not just there to make your life miserable (as you will at one point believe whole heartedly). You’ll learn that it is more of a warning sign; an indication that something is wrong and (at the same time) an opportunity to grow.
How so you ask? Let me give you an example. Before your eighteenth birthday you will be adopted. Yes, someone will finally truly love you so much that they will want to call you their own. You will have a family. I smile right now as I share this with you because I know it is something your heart craves, especially knowing that you currently reside in a group home. Don’t worry; this is not home for you. There is a special woman (with a whole lot of personality) that God (yes He exists) will allow to enter your life. I tell you this young Liz, she is crazy. Not crazy like a schizophrenic, but crazy as in “very passionate” about you. You won’t understand it at first. You won’t even be certain that her love is real and you will doubt her sincerity but this is only because so many others, before her, have lied. However, as life goes on (because it has to, that’s what life does) you will understand her love and joy that she possessed just because she called you daughter. The next thing I’m going to share about your future (and it hurts to do so) is that at twenty-two years old you will lose your mother. She will die and it will shake your world. You will doubt the reality of the situation. You will be angry. You will isolate yourself from others. And, you’ll even be upset with yourself – wishing you had spent more time.
Due to suffering such a great loss, you will begin to evaluate your time with such scrutiny that you will almost drive yourself crazy (and this time I mean crazy like a schizophrenic). My baby, you will cause yourself even more pain than you should all because you have grown afraid to love again. It will hurt. You will even subject yourself to unhealthy relationships and you won’t even realize that you’re the one allowing it to happen. Your heart will harden even though you will try to display a carefree and happy soul to the world.
As I share these happenings with you, logically it’s hard to believe one would overcome victoriously with such strength and optimism about life – but in reality that’s exactly what you will do. Believe it or not, Liz your heart will be as light as a feather. Your spirit will illuminate with peace and your understanding of love will develop so profoundly that you will want to share it with the world. Guess what, that’s exactly what you will do! You’ll become an author (independently published by the way) and you will share you search for love, and all of your discoveries, with many.
Oh how I wish I could share more. I crave to tell you exactly how you’ll overcome, but if I do then you won’t be able to experience these lessons with a pure perception. Just know that it won’t be in vain & you will find love. Okay, I will tell you one more thing – you’ll realize that you never lost it to begin with.
With all that I am & all that you’ll be 18 years into the future,
Friday, January 14, 2011
From the tears of a broken heart
Streams the measure of love lost
A re-opened wound
Punctured by words
A mind tormented
You definitely struck a nerve
I curse the day you were born
Since day one you’ve been nothing but a thorn
In my side – you promised to be by my side
Yet this constant arguing only results in pain
You said this and I can’t stand that
We championed the Blame Game
Defenses are up, the wall has been built
Still I wait on the other side
Hoping you can fly
Heal me again
Allow us to endure
Let’s make amends
You’re all I live for.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The truth prevails
Pushing its way through the tales conjured up by the years
My ears burn with falsehoods that have penetrated my mind
Blinding me and simultaneously destroying my life
Binding me spiritually
Literally creating a dependency on the night
Believing it will keep me
However it kept me from pursuing my own light
Living in the nightfall and sleeping during sunrise
Avoiding its warmth and seeking shade from its influence
Brainwashed by its ugliness
Leaving a stench trailed by the wicked
Or rather the ignorant, but it’s not their fault
They too were fooled by generational fabrication
Ultimately, death becomes the end result
Annihilation at its best
Conform to the norm and you will be blessed
Ignore the footprints tracked in the sand
Blaze your own trail and seek foreign land
Forced by life’s circumstances to put that theory to test
The Truth prevails, conformity fails, and darkness sells
So I sought the Sun for myself
Hoping to replenish the damage suffered by the night’s cold air
Seeking restoration for my generation and my roots
Please nourish the land and bring forth fruit
Submitting to the All Knowing; the more we learn the closer we are
If darkness remains the further apart
Mummified, crawling to survive but just getting by
Not realizing the wrath we’ve subjected ourselves to
Time is of the essence, inching closer to our final gloom
If we would only change our minds and decide to live in the day
Allow the truth to prevail because heaven is at stake
Don’t permit indulgence to overshadow legitimacy
With certainty I proclaim
The seemingly good will come to an end
History will repeat itself, the prophecy begins
The night falls and the Sun rises
Lasting and standing tall will be the righteous.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
“I am ready for love, why are you hiding from me? I’d simply give my freedom to be held in your captivity.” Oh India Arie sings these lyrics so well that I can feel each word tug at my heart and has me almost moved to tears. Pick me! Choose me! Marry me! Anybody! Somebody! Please! The life of a single woman in this day and age is downright depressing. To suffer heartache after heartache, disappointment after disappointment; a woman is bound to become an emotional insecure wreck. Just think about the following scenario.
You see him. He sees you & notices you noticing him. You both look away and then glance back as soon as you think the other isn’t paying attention. You attempt to get a better look at this man. “Am I really attracted to him”, you ask yourself. You have to make certain it isn’t a fluke and he really is fine. Yes, he is yummy! Okay, now that’s out of the way it’s time to do some inventory. Nice smile? Check! Well dressed? Check! Are other women admiring this tasty piece of flesh? Check! Oh yes, he just may be worth a bit more attention. Let the flirting begin! The encounter becomes a success and ends with phone numbers being exchanged. Yay!
A few telephone conversations ensue then dinner & a movie, maybe bowling or a walk in the park. You notice how excited you get when he calls; you get butterflies – oh the feeling has never been so enjoyable. Being the hopeful romantic and optimistic woman that you are, you imagine a life with this man. You envision a future; meeting his mother, hoping his sisters like you, what would the kids look like? Hoping they’d inherit his eyes because you drown in them every time he looks at you. Yeah – you’re in love. It’s official – you’re floating on cloud nine. Lucky you!
Then, without warning, something happens. You don’t know why but all of a sudden those fluffy white clouds that carried you effortlessly have now disappeared. Reality sinks in and you fall out of the light blue sky and SMACK face down on the concrete. OUCH! People are watching; waiting for your next move but no one bothers to extend a hand and help you get up. You’re too embarrassed to even look up so you just lay there hoping that you become unconscious from the impact of the fall. Praying that when you awake it was all a dream and you’re still in love. Sorry honey, but it was all real and so is the pain that rest on your chest like a shipload of bricks.
So here you are all alone with your thoughts of single life (dreading being alone forever) and they go something like this:
I am standing alone on ground that has existed longer than I have lived
A world whose history encompasses endless accounts of life forgotten
Untold stories of days long lived but forever lost because no one was there to witness
Their open palms were left bare with only their own skin to caress
Their lonesome arms dangled at their sides aching for flesh to embrace
Their eyes blurred with desperate tears relentlessly searching for a welcoming face
For someone – anyone who would attempt to care
Offering their most valuable possession – their time, just to be there
Sadly, no one took the time to even smile in their direction
They were born, they lived and they died; their life a complete rejection
Discarded by those that walked this very ground on which I now stand
Alone and neglected – waiting for someone – anyone, to hold my hand
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