Monday, February 14, 2011

Tough Love

I thought I had lost you forever. Figured you were done with me; had enough of my irresponsibility and immaturity. If I were you, I’d be sick and tired of the neglect and mistreatment. The many times I just simply ignored you because I felt I had so many other important tasks to take care of. I was so busy. Hey, I’m an important person – or so I thought. Until the moment I didn’t feel you by my side. All I had time to do was think; think about how badly I had treated you. I felt so lost. Who would I turn to now? Who was going to be there for me? You were my strength (at least up until I thought I was strong enough to handle this life on my own). The truth is I can’t live without you.  I keep calling your name, “Love”. I whisper it to myself every time I remember how you were always there for me. I scream it aloud at every thought of you no longer being here.
I cry sometimes.
At first I’d pretend that your absence didn’t faze me but that charade was very short-lived. Until the night I cried myself to sleep simply because I no longer felt our connection. I poured my heart out on that pillow case sheet. The loneliness was too much of a burden to bear; I had no choice but to release it through my tears. I realized that this was exactly how I made you feel; as a result I cried harder. I missed you.  How could I let you get away?
When I awoke the next day, it was as clear to me as the spelling of my name.  By neglecting you I was only neglecting myself. Every time I shut you out, I wounded myself as well. This moment of clarity ushered in feelings of remorse, guilt & shame. Then suddenly I couldn’t even remember my name.
Until I heard you whisper it.
“Yes?” I respond (heart racing, tear ducts swelling), is it You? Are you really here? YOU ARE! You hadn’t left me! You just needed me to understand the consequences of my behavior. You made me in your image, out of love and every moment that I ventured away from who I was (away from you) I was only hurting myself. Dear God! You do love me! I proclaim your name with such reverence and joy – “LOVE”. A lesson learned.  I am a reflection of you. You are the most important aspect of my life and to live without you is to live a life without love. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Letter To 10 Year Old Me

Dear Baby Girl,
Hmmmm, where do I begin? Of course I have to be completely honest and let you know that the road ahead will be a whole lot tougher than the first 10 years you’ve experienced, or should I say survived? Yes, you are a survivor. You will be victorious over many things but most of all you will learn to love. It seems so easy to do but the truth is as you get older life and people will break you down. Little by little you’ll begin to lose faith and trust in the two. You were born with the ability to express love and to receive it. Unfortunately, circumstances will occur and you will both reject love and hesitate in offering it to anyone. This may seem farfetched because right now, at 10 years old and despite the hurt you’ve already endured, you courageously still choose to love. As I said, people will hurt you, life will confuse you and at one point you will question God. This is a defense mechanism you have built internally to help you cope with the pain. It is because you don’t yet understand that pain/hurt is not just there to make your life miserable (as you will at one point believe whole heartedly). You’ll learn that it is more of a warning sign; an indication that something is wrong and (at the same time) an opportunity to grow.
How so you ask? Let me give you an example. Before your eighteenth birthday you will be adopted. Yes, someone will finally truly love you so much that they will want to call you their own. You will have a family. I smile right now as I share this with you because I know it is something your heart craves, especially knowing that you currently reside in a group home. Don’t worry; this is not home for you. There is a special woman (with a whole lot of personality) that God (yes He exists) will allow to enter your life. I tell you this young Liz, she is crazy. Not crazy like a schizophrenic, but crazy as in “very passionate” about you. You won’t understand it at first. You won’t even be certain that her love is real and you will doubt her sincerity but this is only because so many others, before her, have lied. However, as life goes on (because it has to, that’s what life does) you will understand her love and joy that she possessed just because she called you daughter. The next thing I’m going to share about your future (and it hurts to do so) is that at twenty-two years old you will lose your mother. She will die and it will shake your world. You will doubt the reality of the situation. You will be angry. You will isolate yourself from others. And, you’ll even be upset with yourself – wishing you had spent more time.
Due to suffering such a great loss, you will begin to evaluate your time with such scrutiny that you will almost drive yourself crazy (and this time I mean crazy like a schizophrenic). My baby, you will cause yourself even more pain than you should all because you have grown afraid to love again. It will hurt. You will even subject yourself to unhealthy relationships and you won’t even realize that you’re the one allowing it to happen. Your heart will harden even though you will try to display a carefree and happy soul to the world.
As I share these happenings with you, logically it’s hard to believe one would overcome victoriously with such strength and optimism about life – but in reality that’s exactly what you will do. Believe it or not, Liz your heart will be as light as a feather. Your spirit will illuminate with peace and your understanding of love will develop so profoundly that you will want to share it with the world. Guess what, that’s exactly what you will do! You’ll become an author (independently published by the way) and you will share you search for love, and all of your discoveries, with many. 
Oh how I wish I could share more. I crave to tell you exactly how you’ll overcome, but if I do then you won’t be able to experience these lessons with a pure perception. Just know that it won’t be in vain & you will find love. Okay, I will tell you one more thing – you’ll realize that you never lost it to begin with.
With all that I am & all that you’ll be 18 years into the future,
Liz

Friday, January 14, 2011

In The Balance

From the tears of a broken heart
Streams the measure of  love lost
A re-opened wound
Punctured by words
A mind tormented
 You definitely struck a nerve
I curse the day you were born
Since day one you’ve been nothing but a thorn
In my side – you promised to be by my side
Yet this constant arguing only results in pain
You said this and I can’t stand that
We championed the Blame Game
Defenses are up, the wall has been built
Still I wait on the other side
Hoping you can fly
Heal me again
Allow us to endure
Let’s make amends
You’re all I live for.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Those I Admire & Their Words

"Forever is composed of now" ~Emily Dickinson



"Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls."
~Maya Angelou