Tough Love

I thought I had lost you forever. Figured you were done with me; had enough of my irresponsibility and immaturity. If I were you, I’d be sick and tired of the neglect and mistreatment. The many times I just simply ignored you because I felt I had so many other important tasks to take care of. I was so busy. Hey, I’m an important person – or so I thought. Until the moment I didn’t feel you by my side. All I had time to do was think; think about how badly I had treated you. I felt so lost. Who would I turn to now? Who was going to be there for me? You were my strength (at least up until I thought I was strong enough to handle this life on my own). The truth is I can’t live without you.  I keep calling your name, “Love”. I whisper it to myself every time I remember how you were always there for me. I scream it aloud at every thought of you no longer being here.

I cry sometimes.

At first I’d pretend that your absence didn’t faze me but that charade was very short-lived. Until the night I cried myself to sleep simply because I no longer felt our connection. I poured my heart out on that pillow case sheet. The loneliness was too much of a burden to bear; I had no choice but to release it through my tears. I realized that this was exactly how I made you feel; as a result I cried harder. I missed you.  How could I let you get away?

When I awoke the next day, it was as clear to me as the spelling of my name.  By neglecting you I was only neglecting myself. Every time I shut you out, I wounded myself as well. This moment of clarity ushered in feelings of remorse, guilt & shame. Then suddenly I couldn’t even remember my name.

Until I heard you whisper it.

“Yes?” I respond (heart racing, tear ducts swelling), is it You? Are you really here? YOU ARE! You hadn’t left me! You just needed me to understand the consequences of my behavior. You made me in your image, out of love and every moment that I ventured away from who I was (away from you) I was only hurting myself. Dear God! You do love me! I proclaim your name with such reverence and joy – “LOVE”. A lesson learned.  I am a reflection of you. You are the most important aspect of my life and to live without you is to live a life without love.